In the Middle of it

Where should I go? Where is the place I can be free of this? A cold wind outside, it is moist and darkness kicked in. By myself I walk through a former monastery. This is the place I chose to live. Artist community. Great workspace but now it looks so different and I don’t even care anymore. I see the entrance to the creepy dark attic. A dove disappears in the black night. The wind blows through this building. Chills run over my spine. My mind is overactive, full of regrets, saturated with impossibilities. For years I have let this all run through me. What a waste of time. So hopeless. What should I do to make this stop. I surely don’t know the answer to that, I tried it all. I am running out of ideas and that makes me even more despondent. I just seem to be possessed by deep intense fear and I don’t want it any longer. Help!

The ritual

Suddenly the idea comes to me to run in the forrest behind the monastery. It is creepy, but nothing to lose. I run down the stairs. On the way pick up a jacket and try it on. I walk deeply into the forest and decide to go to the creepiest place with ‘bad energy’ . I don’t know what has happened there, with the nuns that were here years ago. But still, it doesn’t feel kosher. Between four giant oaks, I fall down in the middle. I lay on my back. This is the moment. I feel so much fear and have no idea what is going to happen next. The wind blows strong and rain is pouring down. When I look up, I see the tops of the trees wave back and forth. The cold rain has wet my skin. Suddenly I say to myself: ok fear, come and get me.. Take me. I can’t do this any longer…!!!

The Way Out

The wind calms down and the rain stops. A bright light, lights up the forest. I feel fully embraced and tremendously calm. What is happening? I feel my body relax and my heart open. Light fills my mind to an intense degree, I don’t seem to be able to contain myself. I am being lifted up, my feet still touching the ground, but for a moment I am able to stare straight into the universe. A veil is lifted. I listen with my whole being to this new sound that is so familiar. It is like seeing, listening and knowing at the same time. A moment of perfect synchronicity! Excitement and release, freedom and such incredible feeling of connectedness with everything is my experience. The black hole I was in a moment ago is gone. No trace of it is left. A new era has begun. I found my way out. 

A musical sketch 

A calming sketch connected to the peace I was experiencing after the dream: